The journey home is underway and I am feeling good. When I landed I shared my letter to my friend and we had our goodbye long before the planned events were to occur. I know it put me at ease as we headed into the events and I’m sure it had some positive effect on her as well. She of course has to endure much more than I. She is lost but will quickly find her way again. It’s understandable considering the situation. What fear I had flying down has been replaced with hope. She is an eagle and eagles need to spring their wings and fly to thrive. She hadn’t flown in so long that I know that once she does she will again be happy and I will hear her laugh and the smile in her voice once more.
Behind the curtains the truth is told and I know more now than I did. I probably knew too much anyway going into the events. I have been pulled by both sides in this war. At the end of the day I realize that neither party has lied and believes that they are justified. The constant in it all was the situation which never changed. The only difference was the unique perspective told to me by each. Reputations and legends have been damaged that time will either correct or forget, both of which are the same in the eyes of history. History is written by the winners and in those cases where there are none, history forgets.
There are a few of us remaining at this point from the old guard. The new guard doesn’t carry the same passion for the business that the old guard does. Although I am relatively young, I know it will never be the same as I remember from my youth. The company has changed and the people have changed. It’s starting to dawn on many this simple truth about our profession but it is one that I’ve known for a while. I pay attention and am more aware than others. I say that not to boast but to emphasize that when truths come out in the end it surprises many and catches them off guard. I know the truth about the business I’m in today and realize that I am a number. In fact, I’m employee 00037XX. The people I hire today are employee number 200 thousand plus. That’s a significant difference. We haven’t grown that large, we have only contracted. There are few employee ids remaining lower than mine. In sports, your name is revered and jerseys are hung for all to admire for those in the future to remember you, to remember your legacy. In corporate America your name is quickly forgotten and those that do remember will be those that are gone and or a footnote in a story soon to fade as well.
I write all of this because it is who we are. It is our identity. It’s hard to comprehend when you know other things and have seen other campuses and pay stubs. For those few remaining, it is all we’ve known and all we care to know. There is a part of me that would love to be in the Pizza Hut Hall of Fame but deep down I know better. I know that it will come to an end and I will be at a table surrounded by my friends and we will share great stories and say our goodbyes. That is all I can expect in the corporate world. I’ve come to accept these terms and arrangements regarding the end. Until that eventual moment I will persevere and do my part to make things better and further my relationships with those remaining. In the end, after my friends have said their goodbyes, all that will remain is a legacy that only I will remember.
It doesn’t feel real to me. It just doesn’t. Even as I sit here on a plane heading to say my goodbye it just doesn’t feel real to me. You’ve been there for me and have been more of a big sister than I could have ever hoped anyone could be. This feeling I have at the moment can only be described as fear… I fear it’s coming to an end. I hope and pray that it doesn’t. “We’ll stay in touch.” All too often those words have been stated only to fade away with each passing day. But to be honest, I haven’t processed it completely. It’s not denial because I know it’s all too real. I just haven’t allowed myself to fully process the thought of a life without you. You’ve taught me to be strong and to march on and that’s what I will do. There are others that need me to be there for them at this time. In your absence, the burden of being the rock has temporarily fallen onto my shoulders. I listen and provide assurances as you have taught me to do. I’ve never discussed you the person, but you the entity. I can separate the two as you have taught me to do. I can talk about the business rationale behind your decisions and know the reasons behind them. I have peered behind the curtain and have seen the business for what it has really become. I persevere because that’s what you have taught me to do.
As I sit alone in my row under the dimly lit yellow lamp above me, it reminds me of a world that we have created that will now be darkened by the absence of your light. The three musketeers have officially become two. The demise was far too early and came without much warning. Although there is much life ahead I have enough wisdom to know that there can be no replacing the bond the three of us shared. The situation was ideal for the three of us and I have to believe that it was definitely part of a master plan by the almighty himself. We had our share of heartaches along the way and we were there for one another during the darkest of times but what I’ll really remember is all the great times. The laughter… oh the laughter… How could I not think of the laughter without being reminded of the snort? While we gasped for air from our laughter you snorted for it with reckless abandon. Which only made us laugh all the harder. While you might be absent from our daily lives, your spirit will remain. And we will march on together as you have taught us to do. Brothers without our big sister.
I dread tomorrow… the ability to talk about the entity that is you is quickly coming to an end as tomorrow will all be about you the person. The window of time where I can put off my personal feelings on the matter is shutting quickly. I don’t even know what to say tomorrow. How can you thank someone for so much in your life? There aren’t enough words at my disposal to adequately describe the gratitude that I have for you. I am unprepared.
Come out angels,
Come out ghosts,
Come out darkness,
Bring everyone you know.
I’m not running,
and I’m not scared,
I am waiting,
And well prepared.
I’m in the war of my life,
At the door of my life,
Out of time
and there’s nowhere to run
I’ve got a hammer,
And a heart of glass
I gotta know right now
which walls to smash
I got a pocket
Got no pills
If fear hasn’t killed me yet,
then nothing will
All the suffering and all the pain
Never left a name
I’m in the war of my life,
at the door of my life,
out of time
and there’s nowhere to run
I’m in the war of my life,
at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til its done
No more suffering, no more pain
Never again
I’m in the war of my life,
at the door of my life,
out of time
and there’s nowhere to run
I’m in the war of my life,
at the core of my life
Got no choice but to fight til its done
So fight on,
fight on everyone
fight on
got no choice but to fight til it’s done
I won’t give up
I won’t run
I won’t stop for anyone
While missing you my dear is hard. It’s your malice that keeps leaving it’s mark. I always lose. All this grief is never letting go…
You look so different when you ARE with him. Oh the light that lit your face is duely and justly dimmed. Though his loving never shows, just like cigarette smoke to clothes, your hands are never letting go.
If I could break away I would. Just to free myself from your hooks. I would take your hands from off my neck to give me one last breath. Just so I could scream, let me go. Let me go…
Though our history is nothing but a mess… at least I tried to live my life like I know best. It’s inevitable we’ll both struggle and stray. Like an old red wine stain, our past is never going away. No the past is never letting me go. No the past is never letting go.
Damn near 9 months. That’s how long it’s been since the injury. My personal health has fallen off as a result. Historically I’ve worked out for one reason. Basketball. I miss it. It really meant more to me than I realized. One of those things when it’s out of your life you didn’t realize all that it had provided. The good news is that the doc gave me clearance to resume athletic duties. I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t projected to be cleared until Oct. It’s going to be interesting the first time back out there. It’s always been a thought in the back of my mind but this past week it has had me thinking more about it. Will the knee hold? Obviously the ACL repair is the biggest concern because another setback would see me damaged to the point that my days of playing will certainly be over. Not to mention the long term health issues. So I’m going to lose some weight and get my strength back completely before going back out there. I need to do my best to be in the best condition I can before resuming my court duties. Outside of that will I be able to regain my form and vision? I want to have fun with my friends and feel that competitive fire once more. I’m back in the gym daily hitting the bike and the weights. I’m not a big gym fan but I’m actually excited about being in there. My arms are a little sore today but it feels good. So the comeback is on!
Just a great vidoe that I came across and thought I’d share with everyone. Thanks to all the men and women that risk their lives for our freedom every day and the sacrificies they make for us and for their beliefs. To my old friend Tom who is taking off to serve a 6 month tour, be safe my friend.
Well it’s been a long time since I’ve been in the dating scene. And to be honest the whole process sucks. It makes me want to reconsider putting myself back out there. I’ve met interesting people and have had interesting situations… none good so far. Humorous stories that my friends seem to love to hear though. I’m not giving up just quite yet. I know there is someone sane, cute and normal out there that is looking for me as well. I can only hope that they are flexible on their sane requirement!
The laptop. It’s evil. It always leads to work. It’s an obsession that I have that I must maintain inboxes in an orderly manner. So once I do my personal account I have to check work’s as well. Well work email leads to work and I refused to get caught up in it on my down time. The iphone allowed me to maintain personal emails so I wasn’t cut off from the outside world while being able to leave the laptop powered down. But I’m back and have stories to share.
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